How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
