My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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