I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
