...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
