best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize