I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
