I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I booty called her while she was in labor.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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