I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
