I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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