so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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