let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
