Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
