Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
