Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize