____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
