woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Randomize