What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
