my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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