my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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