I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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