Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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