he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
