I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
