i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I deserve this hangover.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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