Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
