Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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