Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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