He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
