Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
