You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
