Your face is a jimmy john
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Randomize
