I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize