dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
