i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
