I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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