when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
