sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
