then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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