so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
