Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I accidentally burped into my bong.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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