I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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