i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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