My liver just broke up with me...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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