I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
