There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
