mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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