I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
