If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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