no, he came in my armpit
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize