well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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