I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
