Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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