I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
