Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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