Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize