Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
