I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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