Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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