As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
