I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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