So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
