Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
