is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
