The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
