I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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