drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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