so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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