and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
